Friday, November 18, 2016

Trump Pardons Hillary. Hilarity Ensues.

It's February 14th, 2017. The air is filled with love. Reporters are called to the White House for a major announcement. They are seated, waiting, and President Trump enters. Looking very presidential. He steps to the podium and says:  

TRUMP: As you are aware, we have just gone through a hard-fought, tough, and yes, sometimes nasty, presidential campaign (reporters force tepid smiles, grins, not being particularly amused). My opponent, Hillary Clinton was tough. Trust me, on that (sniff). She is a tough person. She doesn't quit. Believe me. I admire that.

You may also recall that, during the campaign, the FBI was investigating thousands and thousands of e-mails Secretary Clinton sent and received on a private server. There were concerns that, in the process, rules, regulations, standard procedures and, yes (sniff), laws, may have been violated. Indeed, the FBI Director concluded that she was "extremely careless" (sniff). Extremely. Although the Director concluded 110 e-mails contained classified information at the time they were sent or received by Secretary Clinton, he also concluded there was no evidence that she intentionally transmitted or willfully mishandled classified information.

Some believe Director Comey was wrong to grant immunity to critical players in the investigation, not to call a grand jury and not to recommend the pressing of charges. I, myself, expressed some of the very same criticisms, as a candidate. But now (sniff), I am President of this great country, that I love, believe me. Really. And I am now anxious to move forward, and make America great again. Mrs. Clinton has served this country as First Lady, a Senator and as Secretary of State (sniff). She is a good person. Really, I mean that. Good people. I think it is time that we, as a nation, move forward, and put this behind us. Recall how Gerald Ford pardoned that crook Richard Nixon? So the nation could move forward? Even though it was not a particularly popular decision at the time?

Today, I have instructed the Office of the Pardon Attorney, in the Department of Justice, to prepare a clemency warrant, granting a full, unconditional pardon to Hillary Clinton, for any crime(s) she may have committed from October 26, 1947, to yesterday, at noon. Again (sniff). it is my really big hope that this pardon will heal some of the wounds of the recent, hard-fought election and that the FBI and Department of Justice can now move forward, on to other, more pressing problems which face our nation, and must be addressed if I am going to succeed in making this nation great again. Thank you.

Two hours later, Mrs. Clinton calls a press conference. Surrounded by friends, supporters and members of the press, she steps up to a podium. The crowd goes wild. She smiles and waves all around. 

CLINTON: (laughing): Well, I thought I would get a little break from all of this (the crowd roars with laughter, there is a smattering of applause). In the recent campaign, I did my best to make Americans aware of the fact that Donald was just not fit to be president (laughter). His temperament. His demeanor. His disturbing attitudes about women, minorities (audible booing), and the disabled were horrifying. Although more Americans seem to have agreed with me (the crowd roars, extended applause) ... he is now President of the United States.

The pardon power is an important constitutional power which should be used wisely, seriously, to right wrongs, to temper our system of justice with mercy and to recognize the importance of rehabilitation and second chances. But, amazingly, Donald wants to wield this incredible power in a childish manner, intent on dividing our nation, exxacerbating partisan politics and building walls. This is not America. It's just not. Make no mistake about it, this so-called pardon represents a very sad day in the history of American politics.

And let be clear: I have not asked - and do not ever intend to ask - Donald for a pardon, of any kind. Although he may require one himself - after his personal litigation tsunami is over (extended cackle, loud applause) - there is no reason for me to ask him for a pardon (reporters laugh and applaud). I have not been convicted for doing anything wrong. I have not even been charged or indicted with anything. Yes, the Republicans have been investigating / smearing me all of my entire life. I am used to that (everyone looks at each other, nods their head and applauds). I guess, when they realized they could never find anything to actually convict me for, they came up with the idea of a bogus pardon - without any of that "evidence" and "innocent until proven guilty" stuff the Constitution requires (laughter and applause).

I believe the American people are smart enough to know that this was not an act of mercy. Donald is not trying to heal anyone, or move anything forward, much less forgive me for an offense. He is simply abusing power like the tax-avoiding bully that he is. I have committed no crime. I have not asked for his so-called "mercy." And I never will. Thank you!

15 Minutes later, President Trump's press secretary appears at a podium at the White House:

TRUMP's PRESS SECRETARY: Earlier, today, the President announced that he had instructed the Office of the Pardon Attorney, in the Department of Justice, to draw up a clemency warrant, which would grant a full, unconditional pardon to Mrs. Clinton, who has been the focus of FBI investigations and continues to have her situation looked at. The President has since decided to rescind that pardon and has instructed the Pardon Attorney to cease the production of said warrant. The President will now leave this matter in the hands of the FBI and the Attorney General to prosecute as they see fit. The President will defer to their decision making as he focuses on making America great again. Thank you.

Or, an alternative: Trump never again comments on the matter, Clinton beats up on him constantly and walks free.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed this immensely. Bravo. You've capture the true nature of the beast and made an enjoyable read! Well done Mr. Ruckman.
Mike P.

Anonymous said...

I sure hope you are wrong. I think it would be a huge mistake for Trump to pardon Hillary. The Pardon process has enough hurdles without an extremely controversial pardon for Hillary.

I believe such a pardon would only make it harder for the thousands of average Americans who are hoping to receive one themselves.

Just based on published stats, Obama has only granted 70 pardons out of a possible 4,116 applications. Yikes.. 1.7% ?! Remember thinking W. was tight with the pardons ? W. granted 189 pardons out of a possible 3,421 possible applications, or 5.5%.

Maybe President Obama will issue a few pardons before Jan 20th. We'll see. Either way, I STILL think he will go down as the stingiest in modern times. A pre-emptive pardon of Hillary will only bring more negative light to the pardon power, & ultimately hurt lots of applicants in my opinion.

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